“Just be careful they could walk all over you.” One quick simple phrase and poof, I 360 to an angry monster that hides beneath the surface and pretty facade. I flip out in defense then flee not to hear the response of my overreaction. I sit alone for 30 minutes or so. Then I see the trigger. Around 30 minutes later comes the apology and explanation.
It sucks because you have to be bare and explain what (in my case) my husband, had just witnessed. Then comes the explanation, there were so many times in my life when people walked all over me, touched me, and took advantage of me and I could not stop it. More than anything in life (to me) I will never be there again.
Clearly, my husband was not talking about this but my over-extending myself. Not that I didn’t know this but those words sent such a wave of strong anger through me that by the time I had realized it, it was too late. Then he tries so hard and apologizes for his use of words. I get it but to me why should he need to? These are my triggers, my issues.
Then an overwhelming amount of guilt comes because once again my triggers have affected us. Why’s begin, why is it like this? Why can’t you stop it? You were doing so well. Then comes the what if’s, like, what if this never ends? What if I embarrass myself or us due to this? What if he gets tired of it?
Then he pulls me close and again a wave of emotion takes me over but this time it’s grief. I sob uncontrollably as I shake in his arms. I begin to slowly breathe in hopes of backing this down. He holds me tighter to secure me. And the panic attack stops slowly as the waves become slower and further apart.
In all of that, no words were exchanged. He gave me security and allowed me to process what was happening. I am blessed to have a superhero as a husband. The next day for the first time, I knew I was wrong I knew there were things that God and I need to discuss. But no guilt and no shame. Just correction.
This morning I kept thinking of all the people that have triggers and can not understand them or someone who doesn’t have the support I do. Please reach out, to anyone who makes you feel safe. And if there is no one then here I am. You are not alone.