So many times I have wanted to revisit the time when life was juvenile and all the stress in life was what cereal was gonna be with Saturday morning cartoons. A time when Dad was home after service and Mom was at home with me every day. This was the brief moment that I stood in sheer light compared to the rest of my childhood. After their separation, things were twisted and Dad did what he could but I made it so hard for him. I was coached through court and constantly made to seem totally reckless so my words were unbelievable. It’s true I acted like a fool after the abuse began. I wish so many years ago I could have found the words to tell him what was happening, but if I ever see you again….
I know it’s been so long since we talked. 15 years. Dad, I have 2 boys now. Alex is just like you with his cars. RC, NASCAR, whatever moves! He has begged me to do RCs with him like you used to with me, gotta be honest, I didn’t pay enough attention to know what I’m doing. Those are the times I miss you most. Alex man has never met you a day and is just like you. Michael is amazingly brave even though he’s smaller than most which have given him a small ego. I got your amazing hair qualities in my older age.
You would be proud, I am an entrepreneur just like Grandpa. Dad, I can never change the decisions I made then. I am so sorry for what happened in court with them and I now wish it was so different. The decision to have my court representative, she should have never interviewed me only at the house. There was no way to tell her without them knowing. They listened to every word Dad. Back then they did a lot to me, they made me just like them as much as they could. I’m sorry I took Great Grandpa’s inheritance and ran. (And your liquor)
Dad, I’m seven years sober. I stopped. I finally got married, and we just celebrated our 10-year anniversary and yes I know how you feel, I always have. But Dad he’s a good man and if you really knew him you would respect him. He’s raised my boys and given me safety and love that hasn’t hurt. He made me believe love could be forever.
Daddy, I have been raped more times than I can count. There are things that I will never be able to explain. Because I won’t go there again or plain and simply I can’t remember all the way. I have been beaten and humiliated. They treated the dog better than me. They hated me. Dad, they meant to hurt me. I couldn’t understand what was happening then. Something happened to Mom, she changed.
I couldn’t see it then, not as a child, I was too busy trying to make her love me again. I told, Dad, but they gave me back the next day. I even rented a camera and made her watch. She couldn’t tell me “she didn’t see that.”But nothing changed. I get there was a point where you had to let me go. That wasn’t your fault, they made it impossible.
Dad, I hope you’re happy now, I hope you have family and love. I hope you have found God. Daddy, he saved me. One day maybe we will meet again. Maybe you found a way to forgive me. I love you, Daddy I’m so sorry. Goodbye.
This is the goodbye I never had……. I get it, this is a lot. But this is healing. Write your letters, and let there be evidence of how you feel even if you can’t do it directly. Process, cry, scream, pray, do whatever you must, without judgment, to let these feelings come. This too shall pass.